How do you go from searching for permanence to living in transiency?

I've never been one who handles change well. As a matter of fact when I moved from downtown to Natomas (all of about a 25 minute drive TOPS) I had such a stress/panic attack that one of my roommates literally had to shake me to get me to calm down.... and that didn't even work. I was close to tears on multiple occasions in that one day. It was utterly ridiculous.

So why did I think a move to Florida would be a piece of cake?

During the finales of AI last season David Cook came on and sang his song Permanent. The lyrics really hit me. He couldn't have put it into better words:

Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away
And everything is temporary, rest your head
I'm permanent

All I've ever searched for in my life is permanence. That is what I strive for. A routine. Something to be "normal". But what is normal truly? For me and for you it could be two completely different things. But I have yet to find anything that resembles normal to me.

I still don't handle change well. I never have and I'm not sure that I ever will. I search so long and hard for something to just not change that I panic every time it does. I just want normalcy. I suppose that's hard to do as an almost 28 year old lesbian with a chronic illness. But what does it take to find what is normal for me. . . .

I suppose a good start would be to figure out what *I* think normal is. Or what seems normal for *my* life.

Perhaps change is normal for me. I've searched for solidarity for so long maybe I should just embrace that things change at the drop of a hat and accept that as normal, accept that change is stability.... change is permanent. As permanent as this moment anyway. If I live in the now then nothing changes. If I approach each change as a new permanence, a new stability, perhaps then I'll figure out a way to plant my feel firmly on the ground...

at least for this moment.

And everything, it will surely change
Even if I tell you I won't go away today

Everything, it will surely change.

Perhaps that is my permanence.

That is my permanent.