Sometimes I wonder if we all have a "time". You know, this is "your time" to shine... or whatever. It seems like every time I get a breath of something going right fifty million things go wrong that I have to pick up before getting back on track.

This weekend I found out that my disability was denied during the first round of evaluations. My lawyers handle all the appeals processes so it just continues on. And it seems like, from the paper work, that it was denied due to lack of information. The fucking kicker though is that I can't give social security anything - it all has to come from the lawyers. So it feels like someone is dropping the ball. AND I had a horrible thought the other day that they do this on purpose. The lawyers get a portion of my lump payment if I'm approved. The longer they push the approval to the larger my "lump" payment, and thus the more money they get.

Sometimes I don't wonder why lawyers get such a bad wrap.

On the same day I found out that my extension for unemployment is out. I'm approved for another extension but they haven't got the programming for it figured out yet. So the state of California has effectively told me "hey - we owe you money. we just don't know how to pay you yet." Too bad I can't use that on the people that *I* owe money to. "Uh... yea.... Victoria Secrets. Um, I know I owe you money I just can't pay you yet k? Thanks for understanding."

On top of everything bills are piling up, I owe family money, and Christmas is right around the corner. And I think I pulled something in my hip/back. God I hate my body sometimes.

Today has the potential of being a very good day. If I could get focused on my paper and get some amazing news at the end of the day my life could be fantastic.

And then maybe I could focus on "my time"............

I always thought Deviant Art was for visual artists. I have always used it to find pictures. I never really realized how big of a writing community it had.

I have posted some of my photography there. But mostly I'm posting my poems.

And getting a huge response!

I used to post them on Myspace. Then everyone went to Facebook. And the news feed is already crowded enough I don't want to make it worse (although sometimes I link my DA page). But I wanted to post ALL my poetry. I'm not even close and I'm starting to write again. So there is much more to come.

I enjoy criticism or comments on my poetry. I like the feedback of posting on an online forum. I'm enjoying it immensely!

http://lezziet.deviantart.com/

Check me out if you're interested!

I am a person who prides myself in making the best of everything that I’ve been given. My childhood wasn’t that great but whose was? I have a loving mother and two beautiful brothers that I grew up with. We had our moments but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. They are both amazing, strong, sensitive men that I am so proud of. My mother has given and given of herself to make sure that we were the best human beings we could be. And I really think we’ve done a pretty good job.

 

I have busted my ass since I was 14. I have taken care of myself since I was 16. My ex-step-father kicked me out of the house when I was still in high school. I didn’t miss a beat. I graduated with honors, couch surfed for a while, and walked myself to work because I didn’t have a car. When I was 17 I got my first apartment – before it was even legal for me to sign a contract. I worked two jobs after high school with no car, which meant I got up at 6am to walk to work by 8am. Then I walked to my second job, changed, and worked until midnight or 1am just to walk home and do it all over again. My mother was always there as support and took me back in when I needed it a year after graduation. I started college at California State University, Hayward in 2000. In the past 9 years I have, with the help of FAFSA and government loans, gotten myself one Associates degree, two Bachelors degree and am half-way through my Masters degree. I also have myself in over $50,000 worth of school debt. But it’s all worth it. My education is the ultimate goal for me. My mother always taught us that education was not a luxury it was a necessity. And for what I want to do with my life I will continue onto law school and get a Juris Doctorate and my MBA.

 

I have never missed more than a few days of work here and there in the past 14 years until last February. I was taken out of work by my gastroenterologist because my level of Crohn’s disease should have me unable to walk. But I push through because there is no other way. My life will not come to a screeching halt because of a medical condition. I refuse to allow this to take me over. I will overcome, at some point. But right now I struggle through my days. It’s not easy but I live as if there is no other choice, because to me there’s not. I work, I learn, I grow. And no one has ever questioned that. It is what I do, it is who I am.

 

I recently came to visit a dear friend in Florida because she was going through some personal stuff and needed a friend. Subsequently, I fell in love and ended up moving. She has an amazing heart and generally a wonderful outlook on life. Before I moved out here I would anticipate her calls. I would be saddened when she didn’t call before she went to bed. I was in a mild bit of denial but there were feelings for her before I got out here. Friends tried to convince me of this but I denied it. I wasn’t willing to admit I had a crush on a girl who lived 3,000 miles away.

 

But I did have a crush. And coming out here to be with her seemed absolutely right. I never questioned my decision. Even when multiple things about what she had told me about her life ended up being not completely true. She was going through something that was more than tough for her and I wanted to support her no matter what. And no one questioned my intentions. No one that knew me thought anything was a bad decision, the wrong move, etc. Because people know my heart and know that I am here because I am in love. I deal with what needs to be dealt with because I am in love. And love conquers all things. It sounds cliché but it’s very true. With love, ultimately nothing else will matter.

 

So why am I here having my intentions questioned? I was promised a multitude of things when I moved out here, as many people are at the beginning of a relationship. But even with the best of intentions I believe that actions must follow through at some point. I can promise all of my friends the world, I can promise to be there any time they need me, but unless I follow through with at least some of my promises their trust in me will dwindle. If every time they call I never answer; if every time the need a ride I’m too busy; if every time they need an ear I’m nowhere to be found…. They will stop calling because they wouldn’t trust me to be there anymore. So why am I being faulted for feeling the same way about intentions with no follow through?

 

A person can only go through so much until they start to wonder what is truly going on. Since moving out here I have had my credit messed up, I’m in check systems for two different accounts, I have bounced multiple checks and I have borrowed money from family on more than one occasion. I am, personally, $3,000 in debt just since I moved to Florida. This doesn’t count the money I currently owe to family. I have used every bit of income that I have received to help sustain our relationship and am currently looking for a job to assist in sustaining us even more. I have done all of this because I am in love. Everyone hit’s hard times and I understand that. But the fact that I am being accused of being in a situation for money or for security so that I don’t have to take care of myself is absurd! I always have and I always will take care of myself. That is what I do.

 

The best heart is negated when actions don’t follow suit. The best of intentions mean nothing when there is no follow through.

 

“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.”

 

“Unless you marry intention to action, you end up with only a brief affair.”

 

“It is not good enough for things to be planned - they still have to be done; for the intention to become a reality, energy has to be launched into operation.”

 

I have intentions. And I follow through. I fell in love and I have done everything within my power to sustain that relationship. Even when those things were outside of my personal security, because I know that sometimes sustaining a relationship takes a little bit more. Because love, in the end, is what matters. But if there is no follow through behind the intention of love, what is there?

There's a certain calm that washes over me knowing that, at least for now, I don't have to work.

Bills will get paid one way or another. I have a million wonderful people who love me immensely. And I get to stay at home with six cute and furry animals all day while working towards my Masters Degree in the comfort of my own home.

Yet on some days that calm turns into a furious storm and the fact that I can't work sets in. I am taking classes at University of Phoenix because I can't navigate the halls of a traditional college. I stay at home cuddling with fur because I have to. I could go to work, sure, but for how long really? How long until my body gives out again? As it is a trip to the grocery store makes me exhausted and is all I can handle for the day. How am I supposed to sit behind a desk for eight hours, or worse, since the economy is bad serve tables for five?

My unemployment is on it's way out. If disability doesn't come through in the next two months tops I'm going to have to look for work. I wish I could now. I wish I felt healthy and sane enough to find a normal, 9-5 job. What I wouldn't give just to be part of the "normal" workforce again. Being sick at 28 really sucks balls. And not good, happy, healthy, trimmed, "I'm gonna get me some" balls.... no its the after a 5 mile run, 3 hour gym routine, and I forgot to wash my jock strap last week balls.

And on top of it all the TV lamp is busted, my phone is about to keel over and die (for cereal), and for 90% of the day I sit, at home, on my ass. Doing laundry or cleaning or just playing on Facebook really. Facebook has become my bar, my outside life, my connection to real people that actually talk back (sometimes). It's my coffee shop and my bookstore. It's my cafe and my farm and my little fishes.....

When the highlight of your day is entering McDonald's Monopoly codes online.... you might be a redneck. NO but it does kinda hit my heart hard sometimes. Especially when I realize McDonald's only lets me enter 10 codes a day! (we had saved quite a bit) I guess it gives me something to do tomorrow.

I can watch the dice on the game board roll to their final resting place. I can watch the little thimble dance it's way across Baltic and Pennsylvania Avenues. And I can hope that soon, I too, will pass go and collect my $200.

All with just a click of a mouse.

All from the solitude of my own front room.

With no agency, no action on my part, my game will continue, and the sun will rise again tomorrow.

Whether I like it or not.

Everything really DOES happen for a reason, even if it takes years for you to see what that reason is. Never forget to call your mother - you'd be surprised at the things she'll tell you. Don't stress - as hard as that sounds it's going to cause you irreversible damage in the future. So do yoga, meditate, something to keep the stress and anxiety down. Believe in yourself. Realize how many people around you believe in you. Don't listen to people in high school who want to pull you down. You'll realize that you don't have these people in your life later and nothing they said really matters. Start school projects early - procrastination benefits no one. Start a savings account - and don't touch it this time. Love with everything you have but know that some of those loves don't work out and it's ok. You will find stronger, better love once you've learned the lessons you need to learn. Everyone is a lesson - whether they stay in your life forever or for one day - they will teach you something, about yourself, about life, just keep your eyes open for those lessons. When someone offers to teach you guitar, let them. Write poetry. Read books on writing. Write when it's awful and write when it's raining. And back them all up on an external hard drive. Don't lock yourself into one city, but don't loose your attachment to the people who live there. Stay close to your brothers, they'll be saviors to you later. Learn to dance earlier. Let go and shake your hips. Expand your music library. You'll be happy you did. Mix tapes still are the coolest gifts in the world - even when they become mix CD's. Learn more about computers. Don't listen to college counselors - they'll keep you in school longer than necessary. Pay your bills on time. Don't get credit cards - listen to mom on that one. Find a bed that you like and don't let it go. Sleep is so important. There is never too much glitter, pink, or bows in your life. Figure out who you are early. Experimentation is great but it's much more fun when you know that you can fit into every style in some way and making your own niche in life is where you're the happiest. Learn how to swim. Go to the beach more often. Bask in the glow of the stars.

(subject to further additions as they come to me)

( tough decisions, tough day )

I'm cuddling right now on the couch with my teddy watching ABDC.

So glad it's back on. I love watching dance shows! I don't know what it is. Perhaps it's merely that I wish I could move like some of these crews. That's gotta be it. And I really do love reality type game shows.

to-do:

Call Pinellas County Health Care Services and see if I can find any particulars out on uninsured health care. 
Post DQ's to UoPhx.
Work on PPT slides for final project.
Email Jodi about new UC coupon.
Check/Call Paypal about money that should be transfered.

**subject to change at any moment (because I know you all are SO enthralled by my daily to-do list)**

It's 9 am.

I'm up because the puppies woke me up. I didn't fall asleep until after 3 am last night. I know technically that's about 6 hours of sleep but it wasn't great sleep and I had too much on my mind last night. So I'm a tad bit grumpy right now.

I was so anxious last night I could hardly sleep. I feel like I have a million and one things to do today. And I don't really want to do any of them.

I realized emailing a friend yesterday that I've kind of checked out of my life. I haven't been taking my meds, again. I haven't done anything in Florida to further my medical needs (and I need to so I don't loose my disability case). I haven't kept up on friends websites that I promised I'd run. 

I haven't made any to-do lists lately, and therefore nothing has really gotten done.

I feel as if I'm doing the bare minimum to get by lately. I'm not sure how to fix that, or if I even can. But something needs to change.

( docket D-O-C-K-E-T docket )

Here's to hoping today is a productive day. And perhaps a nap later.

How do you go from searching for permanence to living in transiency?

I've never been one who handles change well. As a matter of fact when I moved from downtown to Natomas (all of about a 25 minute drive TOPS) I had such a stress/panic attack that one of my roommates literally had to shake me to get me to calm down.... and that didn't even work. I was close to tears on multiple occasions in that one day. It was utterly ridiculous.

So why did I think a move to Florida would be a piece of cake?

During the finales of AI last season David Cook came on and sang his song Permanent. The lyrics really hit me. He couldn't have put it into better words:

Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away
And everything is temporary, rest your head
I'm permanent

All I've ever searched for in my life is permanence. That is what I strive for. A routine. Something to be "normal". But what is normal truly? For me and for you it could be two completely different things. But I have yet to find anything that resembles normal to me.

I still don't handle change well. I never have and I'm not sure that I ever will. I search so long and hard for something to just not change that I panic every time it does. I just want normalcy. I suppose that's hard to do as an almost 28 year old lesbian with a chronic illness. But what does it take to find what is normal for me. . . .

I suppose a good start would be to figure out what *I* think normal is. Or what seems normal for *my* life.

Perhaps change is normal for me. I've searched for solidarity for so long maybe I should just embrace that things change at the drop of a hat and accept that as normal, accept that change is stability.... change is permanent. As permanent as this moment anyway. If I live in the now then nothing changes. If I approach each change as a new permanence, a new stability, perhaps then I'll figure out a way to plant my feel firmly on the ground...

at least for this moment.

And everything, it will surely change
Even if I tell you I won't go away today

Everything, it will surely change.

Perhaps that is my permanence.

That is my permanent.

Watching the AntiChrist on the History channel and it reminded me of an email I got from my friend Lena. She's very knowledgeable about history, theology, and archaeology and I found this email more than interesting! I hope you all enjoy.

1. He was said to bring his believers eternal life in Heaven, surrounded by the unutterable, indescribable glory of God.
2. His spittle healed a blind man.
3. He raised a child from the dead.
4. He turned water into wine, and filled his believers with the holy spirit of God.
5. He is the son of God, born of a virgin.
6.  

1. He is the son of God, born of a mortal woman.

 

 

 

You're thinking of Jesus, aren't you?  You know me better than that!

1. Osiris did first
2. Vespatian did it first
3. Apollonius did it first
4. Dionysus did it first
5. Romulus did it first
6. Romulus, Alexander the Great, Augustus, Dionysus, and Scipio Africanus all did first.

 

 

- … way before the Christian god was even an idea- and that's just Western mythology.  Oh but wait, I said mythology.  Those were all myths.  When Jesus did it, it was real, right?  He just thought it would be a good idea to demonstrate the power of God by using everyone else's ancient, well-believed, yet "pretend" miracles. 

Uh-huh, sure… ok.


Gotta love her! 

So I've begun to actually tell people I'm moving...

For the most part the reception of this news has been very positive. I've heard on more than one occasion that I "sound" happier. Who knows if that's true or not because my voice just sounds like my voice... But it's still a wonderful thing to hear.
( Floridian Stuffs )

( Medicine, Doctors and Nurses, OH MAI )

So life moves forward. It's amazing how one simple thing (a Myspace bulletin in my case) can completely change your life. It astonishes me how different life is now from just two months ago. And it's going to continue to change but I feel I may finally be on an upswing! It's a new feeling for me but I'm embracing it wholeheartedly. My cards told me times were going to be tough here but that there would be "rewards for my diligence" so I'm sticking through the off times waiting for everything to turn ON and be completely magical.

It will happen. You just wait.

And oh so much more.....

( Chronic Florida Disorder )

But I'm here.

No coincidences.

This is where I'm supposed to be.

It's only life...... and I'm going to live it!

It's Only Life
Kate Voegele

Tears are forming in your eyes,
a storm is warning in the skies,
the end of the world it seems,
you bend down and you fall on your knees,
well get back on your feet ,yeah,
don't look away, don't run away,
baby it's only life,
don't lose your faith,don't run away,
it's only life.
you were always playing hard,
never could let down your guard,
you can't win, if you never give in,
to that voice within, saying pick up your chin,
baby let go of it , yeah,
don't look away, don't run away ,
baby, it's only life.
don't lose your faith, don't run away,
baby it's only life.(repeat)
take your hesitance, and your self defense,
leave them behind, it's only life,
don't be so afraid of facing every day,
just take your time, it's only life,
i'll be your stepping stone, don't be so alone,
just hold on tight,it's only life,
oh..don't look away, don't run away,
baby it's only life,
don't lose your faith, don't run away, baby, it's only life (repeat),
it's only life, it's only life,
don't look away...

I'm getting used to the humidity here. And the random daily rain. Supposedly it's hurricane season (yay) but I've been told this area doesn't actually get hit much because we're on the west side of Florida. That's comforting I suppose, in it's own little way.

( Floridians and Flowers..... or Tragedies and Tang )

My head is pulsating and my wrists hurt. My heart feels faint today and all I want to do is curl up under the covers.

But the sheets are in the wash and there are more important things to do.

It was neat being in Florida at first. No one really knew I was sick. And those that did didn't really get the gravity of what it can be. So I got to kinda pretend I wasn't sick for a while. Act like a normal 27 year old. Walk dogs, stay up late, get up early, run errands, etc. It was kinda fun being "normal" for a while - well as normal as one can be in this atmosphere.

But I can't pretend I'm not sick. Because I am. I think my body gets pissed off at me when I try to act like everything is ok. And it's begun. The bruises are back on my leg. I say it's because I'm anemic. I say it's because I'm clumsy. And those are partial truths. But my body is not digesting anything properly right now. So the vitamins and minerals I DON'T get from normal food, I'm now not getting from my pills and supplements either. I'm lethargic and in a lot of pain. My pain pills are running out, I need to call my doctor, the county pharmacy, and pray that all goes well and my roommates can ship me everything I need. I will get through, I'm just not sure how.

Walking four small dogs, keeping up with the fact that they are all stressed because there is new surroundings and they aren't wanting to use their pads inside (on the carpet!) figuring out all the logistics of how to combine two lives, very distant lives, into one, and figuring out how to tell my mom I'm either back in Florida or still in Florida (in case anything emergency like happens) is getting tough. Everything will figure itself out I'm sure. That's what I seem to keep getting shown here.

If only my body could figure out what it's doing. If I could feel not so tired, not so old, and not so falling apart.

The world might be a happier place.

life life and more life.....

I am doing my best not to be completely overwhelmed at this point. I need to remember to breathe and know that everything works out in the end. Sometimes it's a little difficult to see the forest through the trees, and goddess knows the leaves are clouding my view of what could potentially be the most beautiful waterfall I've ever seen. I just want to feel the water, bathe in the falls, be drenched in the cool, crisp, cleanness that the flowing water can bring.

I just want to drown in the water....

I'm here in Florida still. Contemplating the  next (potential) HUGE move in my life. Figuratively and literally. Whether I move here or she moves to CA with me.... it's a 3,000 mile move either way. And I always overplan, overstress, overworry, and ultimately become overwhelmed. Things will happen the way they are meant to happen. I know that, I've been shown that. It's just hard to see in this fog right now.

So I'm sitting idle. Waiting for the sun to break through the fog and light my way. There may or may not be a clear solution. Not one that's readily available to me right now anyway. And perhaps it won't be available until after the decisions have all been made. And whatever the decision, wherever I end up, no matter what happens, it will be the right decision.

It's time to jump.

Into the water. Feet first with no life jacket. There's no other way to handle life right now. One day at a time, one waterfall at a time. And when I come out on the other end I'll be refreshed, clean, and ready to settle down.

OMG

Really.

So Readers Digest --- which for anyone who knows me well enough you should expect an LJ cut at some point --- life has been more than crazy, and more than wonderful, all at the same time.

I flew out to Florida about 2 weeks ago now to be there for a friend. This friend was someone I had met online and gotten very close to over the past 7 months (or so). We spoke multiple times a week and I considered her one of my closest friends. One of my best friends. She was there for me when times got tough. She was there for me at times that were drastic and chaotic without even a second thought. She has one of the most amazing hearts of anyone I've ever met. So, naturally, when she asked me to come out to assist her I couldn't turn down the opportunity to meet her, and get away from the craziness that is Chez Sara normally.

I've been dealing with a lot of health issues and finance issues over the past year. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease over a year ago. And since I didn't have medical at the time (still don't) I have been dealing with lovely Sacramento County medical and the paperwork that entails. It's a never ending paper shuffle. I'm also in the process of applying for permanent disability because I haven't been able to work since last February. I lost my temporary disability with no notice and was left with absolutely no income for almost two months while I applied for unemployment. It was during this time in my life that this woman's light shined the brightest in my life. She came out of nowhere and became an angel to me. She supported me in ways I never imagined. All of this happening of course after Lace left me in the midst of finding out about my illness, only to turn around and get married, I moved 4 times in a matter of one year, fell in love and out of love with my best friend, and pretty much lost all connection to the life I once knew.

Here she was, my angel. She saved me when I needed it most.
( yucky love stuff )

So why do the insecurity alarms go off? My only guess is because of my past. I've heard the "lines" before, but these aren't lines this time, I know it. So I am trying to keep the alarms under wraps. And if they don't stop involuntarily going off I'm going to yank them off the ceiling and disconnect the batteries.

Because, for once, I don't think I need them.

I just have to keep reminding myself of that!

I've been in Florida now for two weeks. And I'll be staying another week. It was a last minute trip to help out a friend. And in all actuality it was nice for me to be getting away from the drama that is my life too. lol.

Home has been falling apart slowly and there's not much I can do from here. Although I feel like I should be able to do more. My desire to "fix" everyone and everything sometimes gets me into a lot of fucking trouble. I wish it was just easier to let everyone handle their own lives. Don't get me wrong - it's not like I think they CAN'T or that *I* do a better job, it's just in my nature to help out as much as I can wherever I can. And THAT, my friends, has gotten me into trouble.

As some of you well know already.

Florida has been interesting. I had hoped to see more beaches or do more "Floridian" stuff. But I have been having a pretty good time. I was coming to visit a friend of mine who I had.... well I had a crush on for a while. She and I have been really good friends for the past 7 months or so. She has been amazing. She's always something that makes me smile during my day. So I'm here, helping her out and seeing where things are going. Everything's been good so far. I really enjoy spending time with her. She's unlike anyone else I've ever met in my past. And I suppose, given my track record, that's probably a good thing!

But she lives in Florida. And I live in California. So we'll see what happens from here.

All in all being able to get away from the craziness at home has been nice. And being able to say I visited Florida has been fun. I can run around in shorts while it's pouring rain here! I love that :) I do miss my stars though. There's gotta be a place in Florida to find stars!!!

I miss my LJ. I miss you guys. I hope you're all well and I'll be around more often. *hugs*

As much as I love Myspace it's just not the best place to journal..... or it'd be called JournalSpace... So I'm back.

Hope you haven't missed me too much!

Specs:
2002 Chevy Impala
White
POLICE PACKAGE (spotlights, reinforced frame)
new tires
new brakes and rotors
regular oil changes
122,000 miles
clean title
interior in great shape
some wear and tear to exterior but no major damage
excellent, clean engine
6 cylinder-pretty fast with great get up and go
Loud sound system
Non-smoker car
A/C and heater (very good)
Dual air bags
power steering, locks, windows, seat
Needs a little work on the coolent system


I love this car and it has been very good to me. It used to be a military police car before I bought it. It is VERY roomy inside. I'm asking $6,500 OBO. If you are interested I can send you pictures via email.

My email address is lnelsonpd1@yahoo.com

Hey guys -

We are trying to sell a Motorola Razr (almost new) with a Surewest contract that has about a year and a half left on it. We need someone to meet us at a Surewest store to take over the contract (signature is required). We're asking $100.00 for the phone (with leather case and home charger). Please repost this and let me know immediately if you're interested!! Thanks guys.

(916) 912-2982.

Sara